If you are looking for a great/awful Christmas movie, then believe or not, you've got options. So what makes Santa's Slay worth checking out? First off, it's only about 70 minutes long so you're not committing to much, and it's packed with wholesome holiday fun. While some of the other Santa slashers get a bit horror-y and dark, this movie stays pretty lighthearted with all the Christmastime puns you can imagine (and then some) and plenty of peppy Christmas music. Seriously, enough with the Christmas music. But don't worry! It is still genuinely a bad movie, and not just a tongue-in-cheek-winking-at-the-audience kind of bad movie. It's bad in more of a there-is-a-former-professional-wrestler-in-the-lead-role-and-who-in-god's-name-is-proofreading-this-story kind of way. Plus there are a lot of deaths. And if none of that grabs you, how about some fantastic cameos?
But before we get into fully dissecting this story and its flaws, let's take a minute to recap some of the more obvious gems the movie presents to us. Right on the cover of the box we know we're dealing with Bill Goldberg, WCW World Heavyweight Wrestling Champion, as Santa. Almost all of Goldberg's "acting" consists of growling his lines and flashing an evil grin. And of his roughly 25 lines in the movie, about 23 are holiday puns or one-liners, from the groan-inducing "trying to spread a little Yuletide fear," to the actually pretty creative "not a creature is stirring?" Also somehow, "Mrs. Clause: she's one hell of a cook." What is that? It's not even a double meaning! While Goldberg doesn't particularly impress in the one scene where he has to help drive the plot, I must admit he can convey a pretty good disgusted face.
young Nick Yuleson. Yuleson. Are you kidding me? He goes back and forth between whiny, bratty, sarcastic, too cool, wimpy and plain old incompentent. Yet somehow he still has a girlfriend. Oh! Speaking of which, bonus content: fellow Lost fans will enjoy seeing how Claire learned her wilderness survival skills.
So the movie is definitely entertaining. But. But but but. It gets so much better with a little bit of investigation. For example, does anybody else think it's strange that Satan can hook up with virgins to pop out little demon babies but he only ever tried it once? And who exactly was keeping tabs on Santa for this 1000 year bet period that made him keep his end of the bargain. Was he just an honest guy?
Later when Santa confronts Grandpa he boasts that "it was easy to find you." ... Are we supposed to be impressed by that? You had a freaking thousand years to look Santa! And you are only busy one day per year, but you couldn't find time anywhere in there to file a missing person report? Sheesh. Then in Goldberg's one breakout acting scene, Santa basically confronts the angel and challenges him to a rematch. Yeah, curling again. And, I swear, this is the actual line from the movie. Santa: "this time I set the stakes..." Angel: "Ok, and if I win..." Um, that's not really you setting the stakes. Any proofreaders home? That isn't raising any flags for you guys?
Just one more thing. Picture this. Santa has run amok, he's killed people you love and dozens of other random townspeople in amazingly creative fashion and you have just narrowly escaped his wrath and an open portal into the depths of hell. You're thinking, "who do I know that can help me, a scrawny sarcastic jackass of a young man, get rid of this dangerous spawn of Satan?" Two words. Skeet shooters.