We want to give a big thank you to everyone that made it out to our last screening for Santa's Slay! For those of you that were there, we hope you liked it, and for everyone else we hope you like our review!
If you are looking for a great/awful Christmas movie, then believe or not, you've got options. So what makes Santa's Slay worth checking out? First off, it's only about 70 minutes long so you're not committing to much, and it's packed with wholesome holiday fun. While some of the other Santa slashers get a bit horror-y and dark, this movie stays pretty lighthearted with all the Christmastime puns you can imagine (and then some) and plenty of peppy Christmas music. Seriously, enough with the Christmas music. But don't worry! It is still genuinely a bad movie, and not just a tongue-in-cheek-winking-at-the-audience kind of bad movie. It's bad in more of a there-is-a-former-professional-wrestler-in-the-lead-role-and-who-in-god's-name-is-proofreading-this-story kind of way. Plus there are a lot of deaths. And if none of that grabs you, how about some fantastic cameos?
If you are looking for a great/awful Christmas movie, then believe or not, you've got options. So what makes Santa's Slay worth checking out? First off, it's only about 70 minutes long so you're not committing to much, and it's packed with wholesome holiday fun. While some of the other Santa slashers get a bit horror-y and dark, this movie stays pretty lighthearted with all the Christmastime puns you can imagine (and then some) and plenty of peppy Christmas music. Seriously, enough with the Christmas music. But don't worry! It is still genuinely a bad movie, and not just a tongue-in-cheek-winking-at-the-audience kind of bad movie. It's bad in more of a there-is-a-former-professional-wrestler-in-the-lead-role-and-who-in-god's-name-is-proofreading-this-story kind of way. Plus there are a lot of deaths. And if none of that grabs you, how about some fantastic cameos?
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The backbone of the movie's plot is honestly not too bad. Santa, who, as you know, is the son of Satan and the virgin Erika by immaculate conception, loses a dramatic bet with an angel and is forced to exchange what used to be an annual day of slaying for an annual day of giving gifts and making merry for 1000 years. Now the bet's over and Santa is back to his evil, killing ways.
But before we get into fully dissecting this story and its flaws, let's take a minute to recap some of the more obvious gems the movie presents to us. Right on the cover of the box we know we're dealing with Bill Goldberg, WCW World Heavyweight Wrestling Champion, as Santa. Almost all of Goldberg's "acting" consists of growling his lines and flashing an evil grin. And of his roughly 25 lines in the movie, about 23 are holiday puns or one-liners, from the groan-inducing "trying to spread a little Yuletide fear," to the actually pretty creative "not a creature is stirring?" Also somehow, "Mrs. Clause: she's one hell of a cook." What is that? It's not even a double meaning! While Goldberg doesn't particularly impress in the one scene where he has to help drive the plot, I must admit he can convey a pretty good disgusted face.
But before we get into fully dissecting this story and its flaws, let's take a minute to recap some of the more obvious gems the movie presents to us. Right on the cover of the box we know we're dealing with Bill Goldberg, WCW World Heavyweight Wrestling Champion, as Santa. Almost all of Goldberg's "acting" consists of growling his lines and flashing an evil grin. And of his roughly 25 lines in the movie, about 23 are holiday puns or one-liners, from the groan-inducing "trying to spread a little Yuletide fear," to the actually pretty creative "not a creature is stirring?" Also somehow, "Mrs. Clause: she's one hell of a cook." What is that? It's not even a double meaning! While Goldberg doesn't particularly impress in the one scene where he has to help drive the plot, I must admit he can convey a pretty good disgusted face.
Ew, gloves can't protect me from germs!
What might be the biggest shock of Santa's Slay is that the most offensive actor award doesn't even go to Goldberg, but goes to Doug Smith for his portrayal of the young hero, Nicolas Yuleson. Yes. Old St. Nick vs
young Nick Yuleson. Yuleson. Are you kidding me? He goes back and forth between whiny, bratty, sarcastic, too cool, wimpy and plain old incompentent. Yet somehow he still has a girlfriend. Oh! Speaking of which, bonus content: fellow Lost fans will enjoy seeing how Claire learned her wilderness survival skills.
young Nick Yuleson. Yuleson. Are you kidding me? He goes back and forth between whiny, bratty, sarcastic, too cool, wimpy and plain old incompentent. Yet somehow he still has a girlfriend. Oh! Speaking of which, bonus content: fellow Lost fans will enjoy seeing how Claire learned her wilderness survival skills.
Claire in training
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Claire the shotgun master
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In Santa's Slay, we also get a couple other fun gifts including stripper humor (RIP Tess Tickler, Dixie Reckt, Sierra Rains, & Crystal Candy) and even a fart joke. But for me, personally, this movie was worth the price of admission (which was free) because of the way we learn the true origins of Christmas: a claymation curling competition between Santa and an (apparently) expert angel curler. A bet on a CURLING match shown in CLAYMATION. I know we drink for blatant exposition but note to aspiring bad movie makers: if you show your exposition like this you are totally in the clear.
So the movie is definitely entertaining. But. But but but. It gets so much better with a little bit of investigation. For example, does anybody else think it's strange that Satan can hook up with virgins to pop out little demon babies but he only ever tried it once? And who exactly was keeping tabs on Santa for this 1000 year bet period that made him keep his end of the bargain. Was he just an honest guy?
So the movie is definitely entertaining. But. But but but. It gets so much better with a little bit of investigation. For example, does anybody else think it's strange that Satan can hook up with virgins to pop out little demon babies but he only ever tried it once? And who exactly was keeping tabs on Santa for this 1000 year bet period that made him keep his end of the bargain. Was he just an honest guy?
Round 1: Claymation?
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An honest guy? Santa's idea of playing fair
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Let's even get a little more direct. Nicky overhears about one of Santa's attacks on a police radio signal, rushes to the scene of the crime, and beats the cops there. He beat the cops there! How?? Does he walk faster than patrol cars drive?
Later when Santa confronts Grandpa he boasts that "it was easy to find you." ... Are we supposed to be impressed by that? You had a freaking thousand years to look Santa! And you are only busy one day per year, but you couldn't find time anywhere in there to file a missing person report? Sheesh. Then in Goldberg's one breakout acting scene, Santa basically confronts the angel and challenges him to a rematch. Yeah, curling again. And, I swear, this is the actual line from the movie. Santa: "this time I set the stakes..." Angel: "Ok, and if I win..." Um, that's not really you setting the stakes. Any proofreaders home? That isn't raising any flags for you guys?
Just one more thing. Picture this. Santa has run amok, he's killed people you love and dozens of other random townspeople in amazingly creative fashion and you have just narrowly escaped his wrath and an open portal into the depths of hell. You're thinking, "who do I know that can help me, a scrawny sarcastic jackass of a young man, get rid of this dangerous spawn of Satan?" Two words. Skeet shooters.
Merry Christmas!
Later when Santa confronts Grandpa he boasts that "it was easy to find you." ... Are we supposed to be impressed by that? You had a freaking thousand years to look Santa! And you are only busy one day per year, but you couldn't find time anywhere in there to file a missing person report? Sheesh. Then in Goldberg's one breakout acting scene, Santa basically confronts the angel and challenges him to a rematch. Yeah, curling again. And, I swear, this is the actual line from the movie. Santa: "this time I set the stakes..." Angel: "Ok, and if I win..." Um, that's not really you setting the stakes. Any proofreaders home? That isn't raising any flags for you guys?
Just one more thing. Picture this. Santa has run amok, he's killed people you love and dozens of other random townspeople in amazingly creative fashion and you have just narrowly escaped his wrath and an open portal into the depths of hell. You're thinking, "who do I know that can help me, a scrawny sarcastic jackass of a young man, get rid of this dangerous spawn of Satan?" Two words. Skeet shooters.
Merry Christmas!
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